are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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