If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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