Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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