My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
