Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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