I seem to have left my pride at pride
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
