the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
