I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Randomize
