I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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