Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
