I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
