she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
