Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
