I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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