My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
