before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
