i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
