Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
