I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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