my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
