So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
