Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I puked a lego.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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