Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
