so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
