What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
