can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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