1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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