I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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