Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
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