According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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