life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Randomize
