I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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