my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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