Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
