Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
