I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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