I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
