how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
