birth control should be required to get into college
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
