I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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