So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
