Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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