Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
