i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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