Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
