I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
