Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
