no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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