i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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