my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
