Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
