i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I'm at about main and main street
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
