I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
How does it feel to date your dad?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
