Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
