my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
