I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
