we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
