not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
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