i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Randomize
