I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
